♥Evonne.O

Saturday, November 17, 2012Y

17112012's;

Wow, its been a month since i last blogged.
How time flies.

Just finished watching the movie, "Ah Boys To Men".
The film seriously touched me and tears fell for it.
But, it also at the same time made memories of our past flood back.

I remember how we cried the night before your enlistment till dawn.
How worried I was till the extent that I kept re-packing your bag, fearing that I missed out things that you needed.
How reluctant I was to let go of you when you gave me the last hug.
How hard I tried to control my tears in Tekong when I see you fall in and march away after the lunch.
How hard it was to sleep at night without you by my side.
How excited I am when you called me on the very same day during your very first admin time.
How reluctant I was to hang up the call when you had to go to sleep.
How hard it was to struggle through that 2 weeks when you had your confinement.

When the 2 weeks finally came to an end,
I remembered how gan chiong I was at work.
Worrying that I would be late and would be unable to fetch you.
Worrying that you will be so worn out.
Worrying that you will be hungry and stuffs.
When I finally saw you at Pasir Ris,
I remembered how happy I was.
I remembered how touched I was.
I remembered how anxious I was.

After that,
I remembered how I would rush off from work to fetch you at Pasir Ris at your every book out.
How I would send you to Pasir Ris for book in every Sunday.
How I went to Tekong for your Meet the Parents Session.
How I put your dirty laundries to wash, hang it out to dry, fold it, pack it into the ziplock bag,
How I would ensure that you will have enough toiletries to bring in to camp.
How I would nag at you to help to fold and pack your stuffs.

And when the 19 weeks was coming to an end,
I remembered how I saw the disappointed look when your parents and brothers mentioned that they were unable to make it for your parade.
I remembered how hard I tried to talk to them to get them to go.
How happy you were when your parents finally agreed.
How I went to East Coast, waited for 2 hours just to catch that moment of glimpse when you were doing your route march for POP.
How I couldn't sleep and waking up at 4 am cos I was just so excited to attend your POP Parade.
How hard I tried to plan for a 3D2N getaway during your block leave and got blamed for trying to waste money.
How we spent your block leave doing nothing and quarrel (or rather, get scolded).

And after your block leave,
I remembered how disappointed you were when you know that you do not qualify for Signing On.
How I tried to comfort you saying that it was alright.
How disappointed you were when you gotten your posting.
&& How I continued to send you for book ins and fetch you from book outs despite the camp was so far away from home.

But on the 21st June 2012,
What did I get in return for all these?
Quarrels over the phone,
Your doubts towards my feelings for you,
Your insecurities of me leaving you for another,
Your paranoid thinking that I'm two-timing you,
Your scoldings cos you didn't had a good day in camp,
&& Finally,
You mentioning breakup cos you felt that I was a burden,
A problematic girlfriend.
&& Best of all, the breakup wasn't even a proper one.

In return for the efforts, feelings, time and loved I put in,
I got a heartbreak that till now,
That I still can't FUCKING get over.
4months & 27days down the road,
I don't know why the FUCK am I still getting the heartache.
Why are you still embedded so deeply in my heart.

This kind of pain, this kind of heartache,
Its so overwhelming for me to handle.
Its even more painful than my Wisdom Tooth Surgery.
Even more painful than crying till my eye swell.
Can anyone please kindly get me out of this shit?
I don't think I can take it nor handle it anymore.
I need to find a way to release all these that is within me.

I can't breakdown, I can't cry.
I don't want my mum to be worried.
I do not want to show that the weak side of me.
I do not want them to know that I haven't get over him.
I do not want them to know that he is embedded so deeply in me.

1:10 AM
愛情沒有對或錯，只有珍惜和錯過。